yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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