she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
