Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Blood and glitter go together right?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
