Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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