the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
