It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
