the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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