I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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