saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
