I'm lost and stupid without you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
