i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
