Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
