I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
