Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You are the jesus of drinking
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
