I cockslap morals
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
