There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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