So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
