..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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