1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
