Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
