you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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