If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My pussy is not your playground.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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