you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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