I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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