May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
