Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
