I accidentally had phone sex last night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
