if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
