Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
