he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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