She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
