im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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