Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
