Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
