i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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