I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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