Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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