Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
