If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish i was in the wii world.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
PANTIES FOUND
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