So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
