...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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