oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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