I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
