i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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