i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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