I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
