I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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