I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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