When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
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