She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
