i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
