i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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