the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
